America's Most Trusted Government-Approved News Source
The nation's leading satirical publication dedicated to celebrating the unconditional, slightly overbearing, totally-not-controlling love of government.
A new federal program assigns a government representative to mediate all awkward conversations, from breaking up with partners to telling friends their cooking is bad.
The Bureau of Consumer Necessity unveils groundbreaking system that determines every single thing you buy is absolutely necessary, solving the 'essential vs. non-essential' debate once and for all.
Area man Brad Wilkins reports feeling 'truly seen' after receiving his fourteenth reminder about vehicle registration renewal, says relationship with government is 'the most attentive he's ever had.'
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A new federal program assigns a government representative to mediate all awkward conversations, from breaking up with partners to telling friends their cooking is bad.
The Bureau of Consumer Necessity unveils groundbreaking system that determines every single thing you buy is absolutely necessary, solving the 'essential vs. non-essential' debate once and for all.
Area man Brad Wilkins reports feeling 'truly seen' after receiving his fourteenth reminder about vehicle registration renewal, says relationship with government is 'the most attentive he's ever had.'
Taxpayers can now file using their preferred love language: Words of Affirmation (you owe us), Acts of Service (we'll take it ourselves), Quality Time (audit), Receiving Gifts (refund pending), or Physical Touch (wage garnishment).
Revolutionary dating-style app lets citizens swipe right to accept new regulations and left to... also accept them, but with a frowny face emoji attached.
New Department of Education initiative replaces critical thinking curriculum with streamlined 'Correct Answer Distribution System,' saving students the exhausting burden of forming their own opinions.
The sprawling new federal agency employs 47,000 bureaucrats dedicated to making every personal decision on citizens' behalf, from what to eat for breakfast to when to feel happy.
Citizens would be required to file quarterly happiness reports with the Bureau of Emotional Compliance. Failure to demonstrate sufficient joy may result in mandatory fun sessions.
In a stunning fiscal breakthrough, lawmakers realize they can simply tax everything that exists, moves, or is thought about, projecting $∞ in new revenue.
Federal officials expand the definition of 'emergency' to include 'anything we'd like to do quickly without asking,' citing the emergency need to redefine emergency.
Landmark government-funded research confirms what officials always suspected: people who question authority are statistically wronger than those who simply comply.
The new 1-800-GOV-HELP hotline provides immediate assistance to citizens who accidentally made a decision without government approval.
A new federal program assigns a government representative to mediate all awkward conversations, from breaking up with partners to telling friends their cooking is bad.
The Bureau of Consumer Necessity unveils groundbreaking system that determines every single thing you buy is absolutely necessary, solving the 'essential vs. non-essential' debate once and for all.
Area man Brad Wilkins reports feeling 'truly seen' after receiving his fourteenth reminder about vehicle registration renewal, says relationship with government is 'the most attentive he's ever had.'
Taxpayers can now file using their preferred love language: Words of Affirmation (you owe us), Acts of Service (we'll take it ourselves), Quality Time (audit), Receiving Gifts (refund pending), or Physical Touch (wage garnishment).
A heartfelt exploration of why no human relationship can compete with the deep, meaningful, legally-binding connection you share with your government.
A Cosmo-style listicle examining the undeniable signs that your government's love is pure, deep, and has absolutely nothing to do with your tax contributions.
Relationship experts share their proven techniques for developing a deep emotional bond with the document that determines your financial worth to the government.
Official guidelines for maintaining a healthy relationship with your government, including tips on proper submission, gratitude exercises, and accepting that they know best.
Looking for a new hobby? Here are 15 activities the Bureau of Recreational Compliance has certified as non-threatening, non-suspicious, and sufficiently boring.
The Department of Interior Design releases comprehensive guidelines for home decoration, including approved color palettes, acceptable furniture arrangements, and the proper angle for family photos.
The Federal Food Feelings Administration releases the new food pyramid — now shaped like a government building — along with mandatory meal schedules and approved seasoning guidelines.
New federal analysis reveals strong correlation between vehicle type and citizen loyalty scores, with minivan drivers ranking highest and sports car owners flagged for 'individualistic tendencies.'
A panicked citizen writes to our advice column after experiencing what they believe was an independent thought. Our government advisor provides calming, authoritative guidance.
A concerned citizen reports suspicious agricultural activity in the suburbs. Our advisor explains the dangers of unlicensed tomato cultivation and the proper channels for reporting rogue gardeners.
A horrified citizen confesses to accidentally reading the Constitution and is now experiencing alarming symptoms including 'believing in individual rights' and 'questioning authority.'
An aspiring entrepreneur asks whether starting a business is still permitted and is walked through the 847 forms, 23 permits, and 12 government-mandated partners required to sell homemade cookies.
A bombshell investigation uncovers that the government has been conducting 47 additional secret programs to help citizens, none of which citizens asked for, knew about, or wanted.
Our investigation reveals the existence of the Bureau of Freedom Calibration, a shadowy agency tasked with determining which constitutional rights are getting a little too enthusiastic.
An exclusive look inside the federal agency responsible for creating, managing, and occasionally losing track of all other federal agencies — and the 340 employees whose only job is to love the process.
An inside look at the sophisticated process by which federal agencies identify problems that don't exist yet, create them through policy, then heroically solve them with new programs and bigger budgets.
A recovering independent thinker shares their inspiring journey from the dark days of making their own decisions to the warm embrace of letting the government handle everything.
A patriotic citizen explains why reporting your neighbors for minor infractions isn't just a civic duty — it's the highest form of love, community, and definitely not weird at all.
A heartfelt defense of taxation as the government's way of giving your money a big warm hug before sending some of it back (minus a handling fee, processing fee, and hug fee).
A passionate argument that true happiness isn't found in liberty but in the meditative act of filling out government forms, waiting in lines, and surrendering all autonomy to trained professionals.
Our Dear Government advice column is here to solve your problems — or at least create new, more interesting ones.
Read Dear Government