WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government launched a groundbreaking new mobile application Thursday called Consentify, a Tinder-style app that allows citizens to swipe right to enthusiastically accept new federal regulations or swipe left to also accept them but with a small frowny face emoji noted in their permanent file.

“Democracy is about choice,” said Consentify Project Director Vanessa Mohr at the app’s star-studded launch event, which was attended by fourteen cabinet members, thirty-seven lobbyists, and zero citizens who had been consulted during development. “And now, for the first time in American history, citizens can choose between agreeing with the government enthusiastically or agreeing with the government reluctantly. That’s two whole choices. George Washington wept.”

The app, which cost $1.8 billion to develop and crashes every eleven minutes, presents users with a steady stream of proposed and enacted federal regulations displayed in the familiar swipe-card format. Each regulation appears as a profile, complete with a photo (usually a stock image of a gavel or a bald eagle), a brief description, and what the app calls a “Regulation Personality Type.”

The User Interface

Upon opening Consentify, users are greeted with a warm splash screen reading “Your Voice Matters (Within Pre-Approved Parameters)” before being presented with their first regulation to evaluate.

A typical regulation profile looks like this:

Federal Regulation 47B-2 “Mandatory Reporting of Houseplant Ownership”

Age: Enacted 2026 Location: All 50 states Interests: Your houseplants, your compliance Bio: “I’m a fun-loving regulation that just wants to know how many houseplants you own. Nothing weird about it. Just tell me about your ferns. Please. I need to know about the ferns.”

Regulation Personality Type: Clingy but Well-Meaning

Users can then swipe right to accept the regulation with a cheerful “I Consent!” animation (confetti, fireworks, a small cartoon Uncle Sam giving a thumbs-up) or swipe left, which triggers a notably different animation: a gray screen, a single sad trombone note, and the message “Your reluctance has been noted. The regulation has been accepted on your behalf. A frowny face has been added to your file.”

“We wanted swiping left to feel like a real choice,” said lead UX designer Kevin Park. “So we made it feel slightly worse than swiping right. That way, users understand that while they technically have a choice, one choice is clearly better — specifically, the one the government prefers. It’s the same design philosophy as every ‘consent’ pop-up on the internet, but with federal authority behind it.”

The “Super Like” Feature

For regulations that citizens find particularly exciting, Consentify offers a “Super Like” feature, activated by swiping up. The Super Like costs $50 per use and, according to the app’s FAQ section, “does absolutely nothing.”

“The Super Like is purely symbolic,” confirmed Director Mohr. “It doesn’t influence policy. It doesn’t change the regulation. It doesn’t even register in our system. But it does charge your credit card $50, and it does generate a very satisfying animation of a bald eagle shedding a single tear of patriotic joy.”

Despite the feature’s acknowledged uselessness, it has proven enormously popular. In the app’s first week, citizens spent $4.7 million on Super Likes, primarily on regulations they described as “the ones that feel the most American.”

“I Super Liked the Clean Water Reporting Mandate,” said user Debbie Vasquez, 41, of Phoenix, Arizona. “I don’t fully understand what it does, but the eagle animation was beautiful, and honestly, spending $50 felt like my civic duty. That’s what they told me in the tutorial, anyway.”

The tutorial, which is mandatory and takes forty-five minutes to complete, teaches users that every swipe is “an act of patriotic love” and that failure to open the app at least once daily may result in “decreased civic participation scores,” though the app does not explain what civic participation scores are or who tracks them.

Match Notifications

One of Consentify’s most celebrated features is its match notification system. When a new regulation is enacted — regardless of how any individual user swiped — all users receive a push notification styled after a dating app match alert.

It’s a Match! You and Federal Regulation 47B-2: Mandatory Reporting of Houseplant Ownership have been matched! Start your journey together by complying within 30 days.

“The match notification was a stroke of genius,” said government communications consultant Diane Ridley. “People love the dopamine hit of matching with someone. By framing regulatory compliance as a match, we’ve essentially hijacked the brain’s reward system to make people feel excited about being told what to do. It’s like Pavlov’s dog, but the bell is a push notification and the food is bureaucratic obligation.”

Users who attempt to “unmatch” with a regulation are presented with a screen reading: “We’re sorry you feel that way. Unfortunately, this match is permanent. Like all government relationships, this one is binding, non-negotiable, and will outlast you. Perhaps you’d like to Super Like it instead? ($50)“

Government Dating Profiles

In an effort to humanize the regulatory process, each federal agency has been given its own dating-style profile within the app:

The IRS

Age: 113 years old Height: Taller than you (jurisdictionally) Looking for: Long-term commitment (mandatory) Bio: “I’m a loyal, dedicated partner who will never leave you alone. I know everything about your finances, and I’m not afraid to show it. Looking for someone who files on time and doesn’t try to claim their dog as a dependent. Again.” Interests: Your income, your deductions, your anxiety Red flags: None (we decide what’s a red flag)

The EPA

Age: 55 Looking for: Clean air, clean water, your compliance Bio: “I care deeply about the environment and also about regulating every puddle on your property. Swipe right if you love nature. Swipe left if you also love nature but want to be monitored while doing it.”

The ATF

Age: 53 Looking for: It’s complicated Bio: “I regulate alcohol, tobacco, firearms, and explosives, which is either the worst combination or the best party ever. Looking for someone who fills out their paperwork. Seriously. Fill out the paperwork.”

The Department of Education

Age: 46 Looking for: Standardized love Bio: “I believe every child deserves an education, and every adult deserves to be told how that education should work. Open-minded as long as your mind reaches the correct conclusions.”

User Reviews

The app has received a perfect 5.0 rating on both the Apple App Store and Google Play, primarily because the app does not allow ratings below 4 stars. Users who attempt to leave a rating of 3 stars or below are redirected to a page titled “Let’s Talk About Why You’re Feeling This Way” and are required to complete a 200-question survey before their review is “processed” — a process the app notes may take 6-8 years.

Despite this, several unfiltered reviews have surfaced on third-party platforms:

• 5 stars — “I love feeling like I have a voice! Even though swiping left does the same thing as swiping right, the frowny face makes me feel heard.” — PoliticallyActive42
• 5 stars — “Matched with the EPA and honestly, it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. They monitor my water quality AND my emotional well-being (via mandatory surveys).” — GreenDream99
• 5 stars (involuntary) — “I tried to leave 1 star but the app changed it to 5 and sent me a fruit basket. I’m frightened but the fruit was excellent.” — FreeThinker2026
• 5 stars — “Spent $300 on Super Likes. Nothing happened. But I feel like a patriot.” — EagleLover77

The Opt-Out Process

For citizens who wish to stop using Consentify, the app offers a comprehensive opt-out process that, according to the terms of service, requires the following:

1. Submit Form CON-1 (“Request to Cease Consensual Engagement”) to your local Consentify field office
2. Attend a 90-minute “Exit Interview” with a government counselor who will ask why you want to leave and whether you’ve “really thought this through”
3. Complete a 30-day “cooling off period” during which the app sends increasingly emotional push notifications (“We miss you,” “Was it something we regulated?”, “Please come back, we’ll change — we’ll add more regulations”)
4. Obtain notarized signatures from three character witnesses who can attest that you are “of sound mind and genuinely wish to stop swiping on federal regulations”
5. Pay a $200 “Disengagement Fee”
6. Receive final confirmation that your opt-out request has been denied

“The opt-out process is designed to be thorough,” said Director Mohr. “We want to make sure that anyone who leaves Consentify is doing so for the right reasons. And so far, we haven’t found any right reasons. So no one has successfully opted out. The system works.”

What’s Next

The development team has announced several upcoming features, including:

• Consentify Premium ($19.99/month): Unlocks the ability to see which regulations are coming before they’re enacted, though users still cannot prevent them
• Regulation Roulette: A fun game mode that randomly assigns you a new regulation every hour
• Group Swipe: Allows entire families to swipe on regulations together, “because compliance is a family value”
• Consentify for Kids: A version for citizens ages 6-12, featuring cartoon mascots named “Reggie the Regulation” and “Compli the Compliance Coyote”

“Our vision is a world where every citizen feels personally connected to every rule that governs their life,” said Mohr. “Not connected enough to change anything, of course. But connected enough to feel like they could have, in theory, if the app worked differently, which it doesn’t and won’t.”

At press time, 47 million Americans had downloaded Consentify, and all 47 million had been matched with Federal Regulation 47B-2. The houseplant census begins in March.