My name is Gladys Overwatch, and I am a patriot.

Not the fireworks-and-hot-dogs kind of patriot. Not the flag-on-my-porch, eagle-on-my-t-shirt kind. I’m the real kind. The kind that wakes up at 5:45 AM every morning, parts the blinds with two fingers, and watches. The kind that carries a pocket-sized copy of the municipal code at all times — the annotated edition, with my own marginal notes in three colors. The kind that has filed 347 compliance reports with local authorities this year alone, a personal best that I intend to shatter before December.

I report my neighbors. Voluntarily, enthusiastically, and with great love in my heart.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: Gladys, isn’t that a little… invasive? And to that I say: it’s not invasive. It’s involved. There’s a difference. Invasive is when someone enters your life uninvited. Involved is when someone enters your life uninvited but fills out the proper forms first. I always fill out the proper forms.

How It Started

My journey into voluntary civic reporting began in 2018, when I noticed that my neighbor, Dale Henderson, had allowed his grass to reach 4.7 inches in height. The municipal code, section 14.3(b), clearly states that residential lawn height shall not exceed 4 inches. Dale was in violation. And not by a little. By seven-tenths of an inch — a distance that may seem trivial to you but represents a 17.5% deviation from the legal maximum, which, if applied to other regulations, would be catastrophic. Imagine if bridges were 17.5% less structurally sound. Imagine if airplane pilots were 17.5% less attentive. That’s the world Dale Henderson was creating with his lawn, and I wasn’t going to stand for it.

I filed Compliance Report #1 at 8:02 AM on a Tuesday. The code enforcement officer, a lovely man named Terrence who would later request a transfer to a different district (unrelated, I’m sure), arrived within 48 hours and issued Dale a formal notice.

Dale mowed his lawn that weekend. And as I watched him push that mower through the dewy morning grass, sweating, grumbling, glancing at my window with what I can only describe as profound respect, I felt something stir inside me. A calling. A purpose. A warm, regulatory glow that said: Gladys, you were born for this.

I haven’t stopped since.

What I Report (A Partial List)

Some people have hobbies. Gardening. Knitting. Golf. My hobby is compliance monitoring, and I practice it with the same dedication that a lesser person might bring to something frivolous like “enjoying their life.”

Here is a partial list of infractions I have reported in the past 12 months:

• Lawn height violations — 43 reports. Dale Henderson alone accounts for 12 of these. He has a condition that causes his grass to grow faster than average, or so he claims. I have requested medical documentation for the grass. It has not been provided.

• Unauthorized paint colors — 17 reports. The Hendersons (again) painted their front door a shade called “Autumn Ember.” The Homeowners Association approved color palette includes “Harvest Sunset,” “Burnished Copper,” and “Regulation Rust,” but not “Autumn Ember.” The difference between Autumn Ember and Harvest Sunset is imperceptible to the human eye, but it is perceptible to the code, and the code is what matters.

• Unlicensed barbecues — 29 reports. The Thompsons on Maple Street held a backyard cookout in July without filing a Temporary Open-Flame Recreational Cooking Permit (Form 7-G). I could smell the burgers from my patio. They smelled like lawlessness. With a hint of mesquite.

• Suspicious happiness — 14 reports. The Martinez family displays a level of cheerfulness that, in my professional opinion, is inconsistent with the current regulatory environment. People should not be that happy. It suggests they are either unaware of how many rules they’re breaking or breaking rules I haven’t discovered yet. Either way, it warrants investigation.

• Unauthorized vehicle washing — 8 reports. The Nguyens wash their car in their driveway approximately twice a month. Municipal code section 22.7(a) requires that vehicle washing be conducted at approved commercial facilities or with a residential water-use variance permit. They don’t have the permit. I checked. I check every time.

• Excessive holiday decorations — 11 reports. The Petersons put up Christmas lights on November 3rd. The HOA guidelines specify that holiday decorations may be displayed beginning November 15th. Twelve days early. Twelve days. If everyone put up lights twelve days early, the entire fabric of organized society would unravel, and I refuse to be the woman who stood by while that happened.

• Reading books not on the approved list — 6 reports. I have observed, through perfectly legal and normal use of binoculars, that several neighbors are reading books that do not appear on the Community Literacy Board’s recommended reading list. One neighbor was reading something with a red cover. The recommended list does not include any books with red covers. Suspicious.

• Having too much fun on a Tuesday — 4 reports. Fun on weekends is tolerable. Fun on Fridays is understandable. But fun on a Tuesday suggests a disregard for the natural order of the work week and should be documented.

My Reporting Record

This year I have filed 347 compliance reports. To put that in perspective, the next-most-prolific reporter in our district, a woman named Barb who I consider a casual hobbyist at best, filed 41. I have outpaced Barb by a factor of 8.5. Barb and I do not speak. Our relationship is competitive and unspoken, like two chess players who communicate only through increasingly aggressive regulatory filings.

My reports break down as follows:

• Reports resulting in formal notices: 89 (26%)
• Reports resulting in fines: 34 (10%)
• Reports resulting in investigation: 112 (32%)
• Reports resulting in “no action required”: 97 (28%)
• Reports still pending review: 15 (4%)

The 28% “no action required” rate is, I’ll admit, a source of frustration. But I view it not as a failure rate but as a challenge. If the current codes don’t cover the behavior I’m reporting, then the codes are insufficient, and I have submitted 23 formal requests to expand the municipal code to address gaps including but not limited to: walking pace on public sidewalks, audible sighing in shared spaces, and the angle at which recycling bins may be placed relative to the curb.

“Gladys is… thorough,” said Terrence, the code enforcement officer, in a phone interview that he attempted to end seven times. “She accounts for approximately 74% of all reports in our district. We created a dedicated intake folder for her submissions. We call it ‘The Gladys File.’ It’s four inches thick. Per month.”

When asked if my reports were helpful, Terrence paused for what felt like a long time.

“They are… received,” he said carefully. “We receive them. With great… regularity.”

I choose to interpret that as a compliment.

My Relationship With the Compliance Officer

Terrence and I have what I would describe as a close professional relationship. He would describe it differently, probably, but he’s not writing this article.

I call Terrence approximately three times per week. Sometimes more, if the Hendersons are doing something. Terrence has changed his phone number twice since 2021. Both times, I obtained the new number within 48 hours through public records requests, which are my constitutional right and also my love language.

Terrence once told me, during a conversation he described as “please, Gladys, I’m at my daughter’s recital,” that I have “the most comprehensive understanding of the municipal code of any non-attorney civilian he has ever encountered.” He then asked me to please not call on weekends. I agreed, and switched to email on weekends, which technically is not calling.

For Christmas last year, I sent Terrence a framed copy of Municipal Code Section 1, Article 1, Subsection 1 — the preamble. He did not acknowledge the gift, which I attribute to the holiday mail backlog and not to any lack of appreciation.

The Loving Eyes Neighborhood Watch

In 2022, I founded a neighborhood watch group called “The Loving Eyes.” Our mission statement is: “We watch because we care. We report because we love. We never blink because blinking is how violations happen.”

The Loving Eyes currently has four members:

1. Gladys Overwatch (me) — Founder, President, Secretary, Treasurer, and Chief Observation Officer
2. Meredith Lawson — Vice President. Meredith joined after I reported her for having an unlicensed bird feeder and she decided, in her words, “if you can’t beat them, at least you can keep an eye on them keeping an eye on everyone else.” I consider this a recruitment success.
3. Howard Cline — Member. Howard is 84 and mostly deaf. He contributes by sitting on his porch and pointing at things. His pointing has led to 6 confirmed violations, making him, per capita, our most efficient operative.
4. A woman named Jan — Jan attended one meeting in 2023, described the experience as “genuinely alarming,” and has not returned. She is still listed as an active member because I haven’t filed the paperwork to remove her, and filing paperwork to remove a member seems like something that should go through a committee, and we don’t have a committee, though I’ve submitted a request to form one.

Our meetings are held monthly in my living room. The agenda is always the same: review recent observations, assign surveillance zones, and discuss proposed expansions to the municipal code. We communicate via a group text chain that is mostly me sending messages and Meredith responding with the thumbs-up emoji. Howard does not have a cell phone. Jan has muted the chat.

Why You Should Report Your Neighbors Too

I know this all might sound extreme. But consider this: every great society was built on a foundation of mutual surveillance performed with good intentions. The Romans had it. The Victorians had it. Several 20th-century governments had it and things were — well, okay, bad examples. But the principle is sound.

When you report your neighbor for a lawn violation, you’re not being petty. You’re maintaining standards. When you report them for an unauthorized paint color, you’re not being controlling. You’re preserving community aesthetic integrity. When you report them for having too much fun on a Tuesday, you’re not being a joyless busybody. You’re being a civic guardian, and civic guardians are the backbone of a functional society, right after bureaucrats and just ahead of people who remind you that your parking meter is about to expire.

The government cannot be everywhere. It tries — oh, how it tries — but there are gaps. Cracks. Moments when a citizen might go an entire afternoon without being monitored, regulated, or reminded of an ordinance. That’s where we come in. The volunteer reporters. The loving watchers. The people who understand that freedom isn’t free and neither is lawn maintenance.

“A society that watches itself is a society that loves itself,” I wrote in my application to expand The Loving Eyes into a nationally recognized compliance organization. The application was denied, but the denial letter was very professional and I have framed it next to the municipal code preamble I sent Terrence.

A Final Word

To my neighbors, if you’re reading this: I see you. I see everything you do. And I report it because I love you. Not in a weird way. In a civic way. In the way that a government loves its citizens — by watching, documenting, and occasionally issuing fines.

If you’d like to join The Loving Eyes, meetings are the first Thursday of every month at 7 PM in my living room. Please bring a copy of the municipal code (annotated edition preferred), a pair of binoculars (minimum 10x42 magnification), and a willingness to sacrifice your relationships with everyone on your street in service of a higher purpose.

Dale, I know your grass is at 4.3 inches right now. You have 48 hours.

Gladys Overwatch is a seven-time recipient of the Municipal Code Enforcement Civilian Appreciation Certificate (she nominated herself each time; self-nomination is not prohibited by the rules, she checked). This opinion piece was reviewed by Terrence, the code enforcement officer, who declined to comment but was heard sighing audibly, which Gladys has noted in her files.

Madison Mandate is Government Is Love’s Community Engagement Correspondent. She is not a member of The Loving Eyes but has been observed by them and rated “provisionally compliant.”