All the news that's fit to mandate.
A new federal program assigns a government representative to mediate all awkward conversations, from breaking up with partners to telling friends their cooking is bad.
The Bureau of Consumer Necessity unveils groundbreaking system that determines every single thing you buy is absolutely necessary, solving the 'essential vs. non-essential' debate once and for all.
Area man Brad Wilkins reports feeling 'truly seen' after receiving his fourteenth reminder about vehicle registration renewal, says relationship with government is 'the most attentive he's ever had.'
Taxpayers can now file using their preferred love language: Words of Affirmation (you owe us), Acts of Service (we'll take it ourselves), Quality Time (audit), Receiving Gifts (refund pending), or Physical Touch (wage garnishment).
Revolutionary dating-style app lets citizens swipe right to accept new regulations and left to... also accept them, but with a frowny face emoji attached.
New Department of Education initiative replaces critical thinking curriculum with streamlined 'Correct Answer Distribution System,' saving students the exhausting burden of forming their own opinions.
The sprawling new federal agency employs 47,000 bureaucrats dedicated to making every personal decision on citizens' behalf, from what to eat for breakfast to when to feel happy.
Citizens would be required to file quarterly happiness reports with the Bureau of Emotional Compliance. Failure to demonstrate sufficient joy may result in mandatory fun sessions.
In a stunning fiscal breakthrough, lawmakers realize they can simply tax everything that exists, moves, or is thought about, projecting $∞ in new revenue.
Federal officials expand the definition of 'emergency' to include 'anything we'd like to do quickly without asking,' citing the emergency need to redefine emergency.
Landmark government-funded research confirms what officials always suspected: people who question authority are statistically wronger than those who simply comply.
The new 1-800-GOV-HELP hotline provides immediate assistance to citizens who accidentally made a decision without government approval.