WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government announced the creation of its newest and largest agency on Monday: the Department of Knowing What’s Best For You (DKWBFY), a sprawling bureaucratic apparatus employing 47,000 people and commanding a $340 billion annual budget, all dedicated to the singular mission of making every personal decision for every American citizen, every single day.

“Americans are tired of choosing,” said DKWBFY Secretary Linda Braxton at the agency’s ribbon-cutting ceremony, held in a building so large it has its own zip code. “Every day, the average citizen makes approximately 35,000 decisions. That’s 35,000 opportunities to make the wrong choice. We’re here to reduce that number to zero. You’re welcome.”

The Department, which occupies a 2.4-million-square-foot campus in suburban Virginia that required the demolition of three neighborhoods (residents were relocated to “pre-approved housing” by the Department’s Bureau of Residential Optimization), is organized into twelve sub-departments, each responsible for a different domain of human life.

Organizational Structure

The DKWBFY’s twelve sub-departments are:

1. Division of Dinner Decisions (DDD) — Determines what 330 million Americans eat for dinner each night. Citizens receive a daily text message at 4:00 PM informing them of their assigned meal.

2. Bureau of Bedtime (BoB) — Establishes mandatory sleep schedules based on age, occupation, and “compliance history.” Citizens with high compliance scores are rewarded with an extra 15 minutes of wakefulness on Fridays.

3. Office of Outfit Selection (OOS) — Issues daily wardrobe directives. Currently in a pilot phase in which citizens in three test cities are required to submit photographs of their outfits for federal approval each morning before leaving the house.

4. Commission on Recreational Activities (CRA) — Pre-approves all leisure activities. Hiking: approved. Reading: approved (from the approved reading list). Sitting quietly and thinking: under review.

5. Agency of Appropriate Emotions (AAE) — Determines which emotions are appropriate for each situation and distributes Emotional Guidance Alerts via push notification. (“It’s Tuesday. Today’s approved emotion is ‘mild contentment.’”)

6. Bureau of Beverage Selection (BBS) — Manages all drink choices. Water is always approved. Coffee is approved until 2:00 PM. Anything “fun” requires a Form BBS-7.

7. Division of Social Interaction Parameters (DSIP) — Sets guidelines for how long conversations should last, which topics are appropriate, and the correct number of friends for each citizen based on their social capacity score.

8. Office of Opinion Management (OOM) — Assigns opinions on current events. Citizens receive a weekly Opinion Packet with their approved positions and suggested talking points.

9. Task Force on Temperature Preferences (TFTP) — Regulates thermostat settings. The approved range is 68-72 degrees Fahrenheit. Deviations require a Thermal Variance Permit, which takes 4-6 weeks to process.

10. Commission on Pet Ownership Suitability (CPOS) — Evaluates whether citizens deserve pets and, if so, which pets. Dogs require a Class B permit. Cats require a Class C permit. Fish are unrestricted but must be registered.

11. Bureau of Morning Routine Optimization (BMRO) — Provides minute-by-minute morning schedules, from the approved time to wake up (6:17 AM) to the approved order of shower activities (hair first, then body, then existential dread).

12. Division of General Existence (DGE) — Handles everything that doesn’t fall under the other eleven sub-departments, which turns out to be almost nothing, but the Division employs 6,000 people anyway “just in case.”

The Daily Life Instruction Packet

Every morning at 5:45 AM — thirty-two minutes before the approved wake-up time, to allow for “pre-consciousness absorption” — citizens receive a Daily Life Instruction Packet (DLIP) via the DKWBFY app, email, text message, and physical mail (for citizens over 65 or those who have been flagged for “technology reluctance”).

A sample DLIP, obtained by reporters, reads as follows:

DAILY LIFE INSTRUCTION PACKET Citizen: JOHNSON, MARGARET A. Date: Wednesday, February 7, 2026 Compliance Score: 87/100 (Good — Keep It Up, Margaret!)

6:17 AM — Wake up. Today’s approved first thought: “I am grateful for structure.” 6:19 AM — Bathroom. You have been allotted 8 minutes. Please refer to BMRO guidelines for approved sequence. 6:27 AM — Get dressed. Today’s approved outfit: Navy slacks, white blouse, sensible shoes. (See OOS Directive MW-2026-0207 for details.) 7:00 AM — Breakfast. Today’s assigned meal: Oatmeal with blueberries. (Substitutions require Form DDD-4, submitted 72 hours in advance.) 7:30 AM — Commute. Approved route: I-66 East to Fairfax County Pkwy. Approved radio station: NPR. Approved emotion during traffic: Acceptance. 12:00 PM — Lunch. Today’s assigned meal: Turkey sandwich on whole wheat. (Side salad mandatory. Chips require Form DDD-4a.) 5:30 PM — Arrive home. Today’s approved leisure activity: Walking (30 minutes, pace: moderate). 6:30 PM — Dinner. Today’s assigned meal: Grilled chicken with steamed broccoli and brown rice. 8:00 PM — Free Time. (Note: “Free Time” is a legacy term. Activity must still fall within CRA-approved parameters.) 10:00 PM — Bedtime. Today’s approved final thought: “Tomorrow will also be structured.”

“The packet takes the guesswork out of living,” said Margaret Johnson, 54, the sample citizen, who appeared at the press conference to offer a testimonial. “Before DKWBFY, I used to waste twenty minutes every morning deciding what to eat for breakfast. Twenty minutes! That’s twenty minutes I could have spent… well, the Department hasn’t told me what I’d spend it on yet, but I’m sure it’ll be in tomorrow’s packet.”

The Sock Approval Process

Perhaps the most discussed element of the DKWBFY’s operations is the sock approval process, which has become a symbol of the Department’s thoroughness.

Under Office of Outfit Selection guidelines, citizens who wish to wear socks that deviate from the daily wardrobe directive must file Form OOS-11 (“Request for Footwear Accessory Variance”), which requires:

• A written explanation of why the non-approved socks are desired (minimum 300 words)
• Two photographs of the requested socks (front and side views)
• A character reference from a neighbor or coworker attesting that the citizen is “of sound fashion judgment”
• A $15 processing fee
• A 4-6 week wait for review by the Sock Variance Board, a seven-member panel that meets bimonthly

“I wanted to wear my Christmas socks in January,” said citizen Darnell Watts, 31, of Alexandria, Virginia. “They have little reindeer on them. I filed the OOS-11 in early January and got a response in March. It was denied. The letter said, ‘Christmas socks are seasonally incongruent and may cause confusion among your peers.’ By that point, I didn’t even want to wear them anymore. I think that’s the idea.”

Secretary Braxton defended the process. “Socks are a deeply personal choice, and personal choices are exactly what this Department was created to manage. If we let people choose their own socks without oversight, where does it end? Shirts? Hats? Thoughts? We have to draw the line somewhere, and we’ve drawn it at the ankle.”

The $340 Billion Budget

The DKWBFY’s $340 billion annual budget makes it the third-largest federal agency by spending, behind only the Department of Defense and the Department of Health and Human Services.

Budget highlights include:

• $120 billion — Salaries for 47,000 employees, most of whom describe their job as “telling people what to do, but nicely”
• $85 billion — Technology infrastructure, including the DLIP distribution system, the compliance tracking database, and an AI that generates 330 million personalized daily schedules
• $45 billion — The Sock Variance Board and related footwear oversight programs
• $30 billion — Public outreach, including a national advertising campaign with the slogan “Let Us Handle It”
• $25 billion — Research and development, primarily studies confirming that the Department is necessary
• $20 billion — Office furniture (ergonomic chairs for all 47,000 employees were deemed “essential for optimal decision-making on behalf of others”)
• $15 billion — Miscellaneous (“It’s a big department. Things come up.”)

When asked whether $340 billion was excessive for an agency that tells people what to have for dinner, Secretary Braxton shook her head firmly.

“You can’t put a price on knowing what’s best for 330 million people,” she said. “Well, you can. It’s $340 billion. But that’s a small price to pay for a nation where no one ever has to wonder what to eat, what to wear, or how to feel. Wondering is the enemy of efficiency.”

Employee Testimonials

The DKWBFY has attracted a workforce that is, by all accounts, deeply passionate about their mission.

“I genuinely believe I know what’s best for strangers,” said Division of Dinner Decisions analyst Craig Bellamy, 29, who has never met any of the 12,000 citizens whose meals he plans. “I’ve never visited their homes, met their families, or learned about their dietary preferences. But I have a master’s degree in Public Policy and access to a spreadsheet, so I think I’m qualified.”

Bureau of Bedtime coordinator Sandra Yee, 34, said she finds her work “profoundly meaningful.”

“Last week, I set the mandatory bedtime for a man in Tucson, Arizona,” Yee said. “I’ve never been to Tucson. I don’t know this man. I don’t know if he works nights or has insomnia or a newborn. But I know that 10:00 PM is a reasonable bedtime for an adult, and I set it with confidence. That’s what public service is all about.”

“People ask me, ‘How can you possibly know what’s best for 330 million individuals?’” said Secretary Braxton. “And I say, ‘That’s a great question. And the answer is: we can’t. But we’re going to do it anyway, because the alternative is letting people decide things for themselves, and frankly, have you seen what people decide when left to their own devices? They eat cereal for dinner. They stay up until 2 AM watching television. They wear Crocs. Somebody has to intervene.’”

Public Response

Public response to the DKWBFY has been largely positive, with a Gallup poll showing that 71% of Americans are “relieved” that someone else is handling their decisions, 18% are “cautiously optimistic,” and 11% are “concerned,” though the Department has noted that “concerned” is not an approved emotion for this week and those respondents have been flagged for review.

“I used to have this thing called ‘free will,’ and honestly, it was exhausting,” said citizen Paula Drew, 46, of Portland, Oregon. “Every day, I had to decide what to eat, what to wear, where to go, how to feel. It was like being the CEO of my own life, and I am not qualified for that position. DKWBFY is basically a life manager, and I have never been more relaxed.”

At press time, the Department of Knowing What’s Best For You had announced its first major policy revision: the approved wake-up time has been moved from 6:17 AM to 6:14 AM, effective immediately. Citizens who had already woken up at 6:17 were informed that they had been non-compliant for three minutes and would receive a notation in their file.

The Department also announced that its next initiative would be the Assignment of Best Friends Program, in which every citizen is paired with a government-selected companion based on compatibility algorithms. Secretary Braxton described the program as “like a dating app, but for friendship, and you can’t say no.”

“We know what’s best for you,” she said warmly. “And what’s best for you is us.”