WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what economists are calling “the most significant fiscal discovery since money itself,” federal lawmakers announced Wednesday that they have identified a revolutionary new revenue stream: taxing literally everything that exists, moves, is thought about, or could theoretically exist at some point in the future.

“For decades, we’ve been approaching taxation piecemeal,” said Senate Finance Committee Chair Roger Dunlap at a press conference, visibly giddy. “Income tax. Sales tax. Property tax. Capital gains tax. Each one only taxed some things. It took us this long to realize we could just… tax everything. All of it. Every single thing. We’re projecting infinite revenue.”

The new omnibus tax framework, officially titled the Comprehensive Existential Revenue Enhancement Act (CEREA), imposes levies on all known forms of matter, energy, activity, inactivity, and cognition. The Congressional Budget Office has estimated the revenue impact at “$infinity, give or take,” which CBO Director Michelle Huang described as “the first time we’ve ever used a mathematical concept as a budget projection, but these are exciting times.”

The New Tax Categories

The legislation introduces seventeen new tax categories, each targeting a previously untaxed aspect of human existence:

The Existence Tax

Every American citizen will be assessed an annual Existence Tax of $1,200 simply for existing. The tax applies regardless of income, employment status, or age. Newborns will be billed upon their first breath, with payment due within 30 days.

“If you exist, you benefit from existing,” explained Senator Dunlap. “And if you benefit, we should get a cut. It’s only fair. We didn’t create existence, but we maintain the infrastructure of existence — roads, laws, the subtle but pervasive sense that someone is watching — and that costs money.”

Citizens who wish to contest the Existence Tax may file Form EX-1 (“Proof of Non-Existence”), though the Bureau of Revenue has noted that successfully filing the form constitutes proof of existence and will therefore trigger the tax.

The Breathing Levy

A per-breath surcharge of $0.003, assessed automatically via a proposed network of “respiratory monitoring stations” to be installed in all public buildings, workplaces, and homes. The average American takes approximately 22,000 breaths per day, generating $66 in daily revenue per citizen, or approximately $24,090 per year.

“Air is a shared resource,” said Congresswoman Diane Freely, co-sponsor of the bill. “You breathe it in, you breathe it out. But while it’s inside you, it’s being used. And used resources should be taxed. If we don’t tax breathing, what kind of message does that send? That some things are free? Nothing is free. Not anymore.”

Citizens who hold their breath to reduce their tax liability will be assessed a Breath Retention Surcharge of $0.50 per second, as holding one’s breath “represents an attempt to evade the Breathing Levy through biological manipulation.”

The Thought Tariff

A tax on cognitive activity, assessed at $0.01 per thought. The government has not yet developed a method for counting individual thoughts, but has allocated $14 billion for research into “thought-metering technology.” In the interim, citizens will self-report their daily thought count on Form TH-1040 (“Quarterly Cognitive Activity Disclosure”).

“We recognize the honor system isn’t ideal,” conceded IRS Commissioner Diana Welch. “But we trust the American people to honestly report how many times they think per day. And for those who don’t, we’ll be introducing the Thought Audit, in which a federal agent asks you what you’re thinking about and you have to tell them.”

“I’ve been trying to think less to save money,” said citizen Gerald Poole, 55, of Reno, Nevada. “But then I realized that trying not to think is itself a thought, and that thought costs a penny. It’s thoughts all the way down.”

The Standing Still Surcharge

Citizens who remain stationary for more than three consecutive minutes will be assessed a Standing Still Surcharge of $2.00 per incident. The surcharge was proposed by Congresswoman Freely, who argued that “immobility represents an inefficient use of the nation’s spatial resources.”

“If you’re standing still, you’re occupying space without contributing to economic movement,” Freely explained. “You’re just being there. On land that could be used for something productive. We need that space. Or at least, we need the money you’ll pay us for using that space.”

The Moving Around Fee

Citizens who are not standing still — that is, citizens who are moving — will be assessed a Moving Around Fee of $0.10 per step. The fee was proposed by Senator Dunlap, who noted that “movement causes wear and tear on national infrastructure, including sidewalks, roads, and the patience of other citizens.”

When reporters pointed out that the Standing Still Surcharge and the Moving Around Fee collectively tax both stillness and motion, leaving citizens no tax-free option, Senator Dunlap nodded enthusiastically.

“Exactly,” he said. “You’re beginning to understand.”

Additional Levies

The bill also introduces:

• The Blinking Assessment — $0.005 per blink (estimated 15,000-20,000 blinks per day = $75-$100/year)
• The Opinion Tax — $5.00 per opinion, with a 200% surcharge on opinions that disagree with government policy
• The Dreaming Duty — $0.25 per dream, self-reported upon waking. Nightmares are taxed at a reduced rate of $0.15 as a “compassion discount.”
• The Silence Fee — $1.00 per hour of silence, because “silence is golden, and golden things should be taxed”
• The Nostalgia Tariff — $3.00 per instance of fondly remembering the past, especially “the past when taxes were lower”
• The Weather Observation Levy — $0.50 each time a citizen comments on the weather, which studies show is approximately 4.7 times per day
• The Gravity Usage Fee — $0.001 per second spent being held to the Earth by gravitational force, which the bill describes as “a service provided by the planet, which is administered by the government”
• The Shadow Tax — $0.02 per hour of shadow cast by a citizen, scaled by shadow size. “Your shadow uses public space,” the bill notes. “It should pay its share.”

Economist Reactions

The economics community has responded with near-universal celebration.

“This is the fiscal equivalent of discovering fire,” said Dr. Ellen Vargas, chief economist at the Brookings Institution. “For years, we’ve been constrained by the outdated notion that you can only tax things that are… taxable. CEREA shatters that paradigm. If it exists, it’s taxable. If it doesn’t exist yet, it’s pre-taxable. The revenue projections are literally infinite. I’ve never been more excited about a spreadsheet.”

Dr. Harrison White, an economist at Stanford, was equally enthusiastic. “The beauty of taxing everything is that there are no loopholes. You can’t avoid the Existence Tax unless you stop existing. You can’t avoid the Breathing Levy unless you stop breathing. And you can’t avoid the Thought Tariff unless you stop thinking, which, based on the legislation itself, some people in Congress may have already achieved.”

Only one prominent economist publicly objected. Dr. Philip Crane, a professor at George Mason University, published an op-ed titled “This Is Fiscal Insanity” in The Wall Street Journal, arguing that “taxing existence itself is a fundamental violation of every principle of sound economic policy and basic human dignity.”

Within hours of the op-ed’s publication, Dr. Crane received three new tax assessments:

1. An Opinion Tax bill for $5.00 (one opinion expressed)
2. A Thought Tariff assessment of $847.00 (estimated thoughts required to write a 1,200-word op-ed)
3. A Dissent Surcharge of $10,000.00, a new category that was added to the bill specifically in response to his op-ed

“I’ve been taxed for objecting to being taxed,” Dr. Crane said. “Which I suppose proves my point, though making that observation will probably cost me another $5.00.”

It did. The IRS confirmed the charge within the hour.

Revenue Projections

The Congressional Budget Office’s official revenue projection for CEREA reads, in its entirety:

Projected Revenue: $∞

Note: This is the first time the CBO has used the infinity symbol in an official projection. We are aware that infinity is not a number. We have been informed that this does not matter. Revenue is revenue. The symbol looks cool on charts.

The projection is based on the principle that if everything is taxed and there is always something — even when there is nothing, because nothing is now taxable under the Nothing Tax ($4.00/instance of nothing occurring) — then revenue can never reach zero.

“We’ve eliminated the concept of a revenue shortfall,” said CBO Director Huang. “Under CEREA, there is always more to tax. Even if the economy contracts, people still breathe, think, and exist. As long as humans continue to be alive and occasionally have opinions, the federal government will never run out of revenue. It’s beautiful, in a mathematical sense.”

Implementation Challenges

The legislation does face some practical hurdles, primarily around enforcement.

“Monitoring every breath, thought, blink, and shadow in America is technically challenging,” admitted IRS enforcement director Paul Kessler. “We estimate we’ll need approximately 12 million new IRS agents, a global network of sensors, and some kind of mind-reading technology that doesn’t exist yet. But we’ve allocated $14 billion for R&D, so we’re optimistic.”

In the interim, most of the new taxes will operate on the honor system, with citizens expected to self-report their breaths, thoughts, opinions, and shadow sizes on a quarterly basis.

“We trust Americans to be honest about how many times they blinked last quarter,” said Kessler. “And if they’re not honest, we’ll find out. Eventually. Once we invent the technology. Which we will, because the funding for that technology is itself taxable, so we have every incentive to develop it.”

Public Reaction

The American public has responded to CEREA with a mixture of resignation and dark humor.

“They finally did it,” said citizen Marjorie Cook, 67, of Topeka, Kansas, staring blankly into the middle distance. “They taxed everything. I always knew this day would come. My grandfather told me, ‘Marjorie, one day they’ll tax the air you breathe.’ And I said, ‘Oh, Grandpa, that’s ridiculous.’ And here we are. They’re taxing the air I breathe. I owe Grandpa an apology. And the government owes me… well, nothing. They don’t owe me anything. That’s the one thing that isn’t taxed: what the government owes you.”

“I tried to sit in a dark room and think about nothing to minimize my tax liability,” said citizen Dennis Park, 38, of Seattle. “But sitting still triggered the Standing Still Surcharge, the dark room triggered the Darkness Occupancy Fee — which I didn’t even know about — and thinking about nothing was classified as a thought about nothing, which is still a thought. I owe $14.73 for the hour. I’m beginning to think existence itself is a tax trap.”

At press time, the Senate had passed CEREA by a vote of 97-3, with the three dissenting senators immediately receiving Opinion Tax bills, Dissent Surcharges, and a formal notice from the IRS reading: “Thank you for your opposition. Your opposition has been taxed. Have a wonderful day (Wonderful Day Fee: $2.00).”