WASHINGTON, D.C. — A newly formed federal agency announced Tuesday that all American citizens will soon be required to file quarterly happiness reports with the Bureau of Emotional Compliance (BEC), a $89 billion initiative designed to ensure that every resident of the United States is experiencing a government-approved level of joy at all times.

“Happiness is too important to be left to chance,” said Bureau Director Thomas Ashford, standing behind a podium shaped like a smiley face. “For centuries, humans have been trying to find happiness on their own, and frankly, the results have been mixed. Some people are happy. Some people are not. That kind of inconsistency is unacceptable in a modern society. Beginning this fiscal year, happiness will be measured, monitored, and — if necessary — mandated.”

The centerpiece of the initiative is Form JOY-1040, a comprehensive emotional disclosure document that citizens must complete and submit every quarter. The form, which runs 47 pages, requires taxpayers — or as the Bureau prefers, “joy-payers” — to report their emotional state across 340 federally recognized feeling categories.

Form JOY-1040: A Closer Look

Form JOY-1040 (“Quarterly Declaration of Emotional Status”) is divided into seven sections:

Section 1: General Happiness Assessment Citizens rate their overall happiness on a scale of 1 to 10, with the understanding that any answer below 7 will be flagged for review. The form helpfully notes: “If you are considering answering below 7, please reconsider. Low scores generate paperwork for everyone.”

Section 2: Specific Emotion Inventory Citizens must report whether they have experienced any of the 340 recognized emotions during the quarter, including but not limited to: joy, elation, moderate satisfaction, mild amusement, cautious optimism, patriotic warmth, and the feeling you get when you find a parking spot right away. Each emotion must be documented with the date it occurred, its duration, and its suspected cause.

Section 3: Unapproved Emotions Disclosure Citizens must disclose any unapproved emotions they experienced, including: ennui, existential dread, vague unease, sarcasm (classified as “hostile amusement”), and “that feeling where you’re fine but also kind of not fine but you don’t know why.” The Bureau notes that experiencing unapproved emotions is “not illegal yet, but is being monitored.”

Section 4: Happiness Sources Citizens list the top five sources of their happiness. Approved sources include: family, community, work, government services, and “the knowledge that experts are handling things.” Unapproved sources include: “excessive independence,” “unsupervised hobbies,” and “thinking about things too much.”

Section 5: Joy-Generating Activities A detailed log of activities that produced happiness during the quarter. Each activity must be cross-referenced with the Commission on Recreational Activities’ approved list. Activities not on the list must be reported on supplemental Form JOY-1040-S (“Disclosure of Unauthorized Enjoyment”).

Section 6: Happiness Projections Citizens must forecast their expected happiness for the upcoming quarter, with supporting documentation explaining how they plan to maintain or increase their joy levels. The Bureau recommends “compliance with all federal guidelines” as “the single most reliable path to happiness.”

Section 7: Attestation Citizens sign under penalty of perjury that all reported emotions are accurate and that they did not experience any undisclosed feelings during the reporting period.

“We understand that 47 pages sounds like a lot,” said Bureau spokesperson Clara Jeffries. “But consider this: the IRS form is only about 20 pages, and that just measures your money. We’re measuring your soul. Of course it’s going to be longer.”

Filing Deadlines

Happiness reports are due quarterly:

• Q1 (January-March): Due April 15 — “Spring Joy Filing”
• Q2 (April-June): Due July 15 — “Summer Happiness Check-In”
• Q3 (July-September): Due October 15 — “Autumn Contentment Review”
• Q4 (October-December): Due January 15 — “Winter Wellness Declaration”

Late filings incur a penalty of $500 or “one mandatory fun session,” whichever the Bureau determines is more appropriate. Citizens who fail to file entirely are classified as “Emotionally Non-Compliant” and placed on the Bureau’s watchlist, which Director Ashford described as “not a punishment, just a list of people we’re watching because they might not be happy, which is concerning.”

Approved vs. Unapproved Emotions

The Bureau has published a comprehensive guide to approved and unapproved emotions, titled “Feeling Right: A Federal Guide to Appropriate Human Emotion” (available at all post offices and government buildings, 892 pages, $0.00 because it’s mandatory).

Approved Emotions:

• Happiness
• Gratitude (especially toward government programs)
• Mild excitement
• Calm satisfaction
• Patriotic pride
• The warm feeling of completing a government form correctly
• Moderate enthusiasm
• Quiet contentment with the status quo

Unapproved Emotions:

• Excessive melancholy (defined as “sadness lasting longer than one government-approved mourning period”)
• Suspicious contentment (defined as “being too happy without a clear, approved reason — what are you so happy about?”)
• Righteous indignation (especially regarding government programs)
• Apathy (except toward approved topics of apathy, such as the metric system)
• Cynicism (classified as “Pre-Criminal Skepticism”)
• Nostalgia for “less regulated times” (classified as “Temporal Disobedience”)
• Free-floating anxiety (anxiety must be directed at approved sources of concern, such as climate change or foreign adversaries, not at domestic policy)

“We’re not saying you can’t feel things,” said Director Ashford. “We’re saying you need to feel the right things, at the right times, in the right amounts. Is that really so much to ask? We regulate what you eat, what you drive, what you build on your property. Why wouldn’t we regulate how you feel? Emotions are arguably the most dangerous unregulated substance in America.”

Penalties for Emotional Non-Compliance

Citizens whose quarterly reports indicate insufficient happiness face a range of corrective measures:

Level 1 — Happiness Advisory: A friendly letter from the Bureau suggesting that the citizen “try smiling more” and enclosing a pamphlet titled “Have You Tried Being Happy?”

Level 2 — Mandatory Fun Session: Citizens are required to attend a 4-hour government-run “fun session” at their local Bureau of Emotional Compliance field office. Activities include supervised laughter exercises, mandatory group hugs with Bureau employees, and a screening of a feel-good movie selected by the Federal Entertainment Advisory Board. Attendance is taken.

Level 3 — Emotional Reassignment: Citizens who fail to achieve approved happiness levels after two consecutive Mandatory Fun Sessions are enrolled in the Bureau’s Emotional Reassignment Program (ERP), a 12-week residential course where participants learn to “redirect negative emotions into productive compliance.” The course costs $8,000, which is billed to the citizen, and which the Bureau notes “should give them something to be unhappy about, which we can then fix, which should make them happy.”

Level 4 — Happiness Audit: The emotional equivalent of an IRS audit. A Bureau agent visits the citizen’s home, workplace, and social circles to investigate why the citizen is not happy. The agent has the authority to interview friends, examine social media posts, and review the citizen’s Netflix viewing history (“Anyone watching that much true crime is clearly not in a healthy emotional place”).

“The penalties may seem strict,” acknowledged Director Ashford. “But they come from a place of love. We want you to be happy. And if you won’t be happy on your own, we will make you happy. That’s a promise. That’s a threat. It’s both. It’s a loving threat.”

The $89 Billion Budget

The Bureau of Emotional Compliance’s $89 billion budget has been allocated as follows:

• $32 billion — Salaries for 28,000 Happiness Enforcement Officers
• $18 billion — Mandatory Fun Session facilities (one in every county)
• $15 billion — Technology infrastructure, including the Mood Monitoring Network, a planned system of “emotion-sensing cameras” in public spaces
• $12 billion — Research grants to scientists studying “why some people insist on being unhappy despite living in the greatest country on Earth”
• $7 billion — Public relations campaign: “Happiness Is Not Optional”
• $3 billion — Form JOY-1040 printing and distribution
• $2 billion — Office supplies, including 14 million smiley-face stress balls for Bureau employees “who find the work of enforcing happiness stressful”

“Some people say $89 billion is a lot of money to spend on making people happy,” said Bureau CFO Daniel Kramer. “To them I say: you can’t put a price on happiness. But we did, and it’s $89 billion. And if you’re unhappy about that, please disclose it on Form JOY-1040, Section 3.”

Expert Opinions

The academic community has responded to the Bureau with what it describes as “approved enthusiasm.”

“Mandatory happiness reporting is a natural evolution of the social contract,” said Dr. Wendy Fairchild, a professor of public policy at Yale University and a $4.1 million grant recipient from the Bureau. “The government already monitors our income, our health, our property. Monitoring our emotions is simply the next logical step. If anything, we should be grateful. They care enough to ask how we feel. Most governments throughout history didn’t bother asking. They just assumed everyone was miserable. Which, to be fair, they were.”

Dr. Alan Kruse, a clinical psychologist at Johns Hopkins, expressed reservations but ultimately concluded that the program was “probably fine.”

“From a clinical perspective, mandating happiness is a bit like mandating digestion — it’s a biological process that you can’t really control through paperwork,” Dr. Kruse said. “But the Bureau has assured me that this concern has been addressed in Appendix Q of the implementation plan. I haven’t read Appendix Q. It’s 300 pages. But I trust them.”

Citizen Reactions

Public reaction has been mixed, which the Bureau has classified as “a temporary condition.”

“I think it’s great,” said citizen Natalie Bergman, 38, of Denver. “I’ve been meaning to check in with my emotions for years. Now the government is making me do it. It’s like having a really intense therapist who can also audit you.”

“I’m not sure how I feel about this,” said citizen James Oakley, 42, of Cincinnati. “Which I realize is a dangerous thing to say now.”

“My neighbor got a Level 2 notice for reporting a happiness score of 5 out of 10,” said citizen Roberta Finch, 61, of Tallahassee. “The Bureau showed up at his house with balloons and a mandatory fun session kit. He seemed more confused than happy, but they counted it as happy. His score is now an 8.”

At press time, the Bureau had announced a new initiative called “Smile Check,” in which government employees would be stationed at public intersections during rush hour to visually confirm that citizens appeared happy. Citizens who did not appear sufficiently joyful would be handed a Form JOY-1040-EZ (“Emergency Happiness Disclosure”) and a lollipop.

“The lollipop is not optional,” the Bureau clarified. “You will take the lollipop. You will enjoy the lollipop. You will report the enjoyment on the form.”