The following is an official publication of the Bureau of Citizen Relations, a division of the Department of Knowing What’s Best For You, printed in association with the Federal Partnership Initiative and your tax dollars. Reproduction without permission is prohibited, though we already know if you’ve reproduced it, so the prohibition is really more of a formality.

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Congratulations on your relationship with the United States government!

Whether you entered this relationship by birth, naturalization, or simply by existing within our borders for a sufficient period of time, you are now part of the most meaningful, most enduring, and most inescapable partnership of your life. And like any great relationship, it requires work — specifically, your work. Our job is to set the expectations. Your job is to meet them.

This guide will walk you through the key principles of maintaining a healthy, productive, and appropriately dependent relationship with your government. Please read carefully. There will not be a quiz, but there will be consequences.

Chapter 1: Why Independence Is Just a Phase

Many citizens go through a period — often in their late teens or early twenties — when they begin to believe they can make decisions on their own. This is natural. This is normal. And this is wrong.

Independence is not a destination. It is a phase, much like adolescence or the brief period in 2021 when everyone made sourdough bread. It feels important at the time, but eventually, you outgrow it and return to where you belong: in the warm, fluorescent-lit embrace of government dependency.

“I went through an independence phase in college,” admitted reformed citizen Bradley Clearance, 34, of Columbus, Ohio. “I started reading the Constitution, talking about ‘rights,’ questioning regulations. It was embarrassing. Thank God I grew out of it. Now I just let the government handle things, and I’ve never been more at peace. Well, not peace exactly. More like resignation. But a peaceful resignation.”

Signs your citizen may be going through an independence phase:

• Asking “why” when given instructions
• Reading legislation before it’s passed
• Using the phrase “personal responsibility” without irony
• Attempting to start a business without consulting seventeen agencies
• Expressing a desire to “be left alone”

If you or someone you know is exhibiting these symptoms, please contact the Bureau of Citizen Relations immediately. Early intervention is key. Left untreated, independence can progress to full-blown self-sufficiency, which is both dangerous and, frankly, rude.

Chapter 2: How to Stop Worrying and Love the Bureaucracy

Bureaucracy gets a bad reputation. People call it “slow,” “inefficient,” “soul-crushing,” and “the reason I’ve been on hold for three hours trying to get a new Social Security card.” But these criticisms miss the point entirely.

Bureaucracy isn’t slow. It’s thorough. It isn’t inefficient. It’s comprehensive. It isn’t soul-crushing. It’s character-building. And the three-hour hold time? That’s not a flaw — that’s the government saying, “I want to spend more time with you.”

“I used to hate the bureaucracy,” said converted citizen Donna Rubric, 51, of Baltimore. “Then I realized: the bureaucracy is like a hug. A very long, very confusing hug that requires you to fill out a form before it starts and another form after it ends and a third form to confirm that the hug happened. But a hug nonetheless.”

Tips for loving the bureaucracy:

• Reframe delays as quality time. When your permit takes six months to process, that’s six months of anticipation. Six months of longing. Six months of the government thinking about your application, holding it, caressing it, losing it, finding it, losing it again, and eventually stamping it with the quiet satisfaction of a job eventually done.
• Appreciate the paperwork. Every form is a conversation. Form 1040 asks about your income, your deductions, your dependents — it’s basically a first date. Form SS-5 asks for your name, date of birth, and parents’ information — that’s meeting the family. Form I-9 verifies your identity and employment eligibility — that’s the government saying, “I want to make sure you’re real, because what we have is too important to be based on a lie.”
• Celebrate the redundancy. When three different agencies ask you for the same information, they’re not being inefficient. They’re being interested. They all want to know about you. They’re fighting over you. You should be flattered.

Chapter 3: Communication Tips (Listen, Don’t Talk Back)

Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. In your relationship with the government, communication follows a simple and elegant model: the government talks, and you listen.

This is not a one-way street — it’s a one-way highway, paved with the finest asphalt your tax dollars can buy, and it flows in exactly one direction: from them to you.

“I tried talking back to the government once,” said cautionary tale Richard Flagg, 46, of Topeka. “I wrote a letter to my congressman disagreeing with a new regulation. He wrote back with a form letter that said, ‘Thank you for your input.’ That was seven years ago. I haven’t disagreed since. The form letter broke me.”

Approved forms of citizen communication:

• Nodding
• Filing forms
• Paying taxes
• Voting (from a pre-approved list of candidates)
• Saying “thank you” after receiving a fine
• Writing letters that will be responded to with form letters
• Attending town halls where your allotted speaking time is 90 seconds and the microphone doesn’t work

Unapproved forms of citizen communication:

• Questioning
• Criticizing
• Suggesting alternatives
• Using the Freedom of Information Act (technically legal, but emotionally hurtful)
• Making eye contact with a government official for more than three seconds without blinking

“The best communicators in any relationship are the ones who know when to be quiet,” said Department of Citizen Relations spokesperson Meredith Gavel. “And in this relationship, the answer is: always. The answer is always.”

Chapter 4: When They Say Jump, File a Request to Ask How High

Obedience is the love language of the compliant. But in your relationship with the government, even obedience has a protocol.

You cannot simply do what the government says. You must first request permission to do what the government says, then wait for approval to do what the government says, then do what the government says, and then file a report confirming that you did what the government said.

“My neighbor wanted to comply with a new fence regulation,” recounted HOA president and government admirer Sandra Picket, 55, of Scottsdale. “She built the fence to the exact specifications. Six feet tall. Cedar. Regulation-approved stain. But she hadn’t filed a Compliance Intent Form first. The government fined her $500 — not for the fence, but for complying without authorization. She complied with the fine immediately and was fined again for not filing a Fine Acceptance Form. It’s a beautiful system, really.”

The approved compliance process:

1. Receive a government directive
2. File Form CI-1 (“Intent to Comply”)
3. Wait 4-6 weeks for approval of your intent
4. File Form CI-2 (“Confirmation of Approved Intent to Comply”)
5. Comply
6. File Form CI-3 (“Notification of Completed Compliance”)
7. Wait 6-8 weeks for acknowledgment
8. Receive Form CI-4 (“Acknowledgment of Your Notification of Completed Compliance, Pending Review”)
9. Continue waiting
10. Receive final approval, or start over at Step 1

“Some people see ten steps and think, ‘That’s too many steps,’” said Director of Compliance Workflow Phillip Triplicate. “But those people are thinking about efficiency, and efficiency is the enemy of thoroughness, and thoroughness is the friend of bureaucracy, and bureaucracy is the soulmate of government, and government is your soulmate. So really, ten steps is the minimum number of steps love requires.”

Chapter 5: Managing Jealousy When Your Government Loves Other Citizens Too

One of the hardest aspects of your relationship with the government is accepting that it loves other citizens too. Over 330 million of them, in fact. And it promises each one the same level of attention, oversight, and financial extraction that it promises you.

This can be painful. When you see the government building a new highway in another state, or funding a program you don’t use, or bailing out an industry you’ve never worked in, it’s natural to feel jealous. “Why are they spending my money on them?” you might wonder. And the answer is: because the government’s heart is big enough for everyone. Especially the ones with lobbyists.

“I was devastated when I found out the government gave $20 billion to an industry I don’t work in,” said taxpayer Ellen Subsidy, 48, of Detroit. “I felt betrayed. But then my therapist reminded me that love isn’t about exclusivity — it’s about distribution. And the government distributes its love very generously. With my money. To people I’ve never met. And that’s… beautiful? I’m still working through it.”

Tips for managing jealousy:

• Remember that the government takes money from everyone, not just you. You are not special in your financial contribution — and that equality is, in a way, romantic.
• When you see a government program that doesn’t benefit you, think of it as the government taking its other partners on a date. Your turn will come. Probably. Eventually. File Form DT-7 to request a date.
• If jealousy persists, consider that the government also does things for you that other citizens resent. You are simultaneously the jealous partner and the one being resented. The government has created a perfectly balanced ecosystem of mutual resentment, and that is a kind of equality.

Final Thoughts: The Relationship You Deserve

You did not choose this relationship. It was assigned to you at birth, reinforced by law, and maintained through a combination of social pressure, financial obligation, and the quiet understanding that resistance is both futile and expensive.

But that doesn’t mean it can’t be beautiful.

Your government feeds you (after approving the food), shelters you (after inspecting the shelter), educates you (after approving the curriculum), and protects you (from threats it often identifies after the fact). It is not a perfect partner. But it is a permanent one. And in a world of ghosting, breadcrumbing, and situationships, permanence is its own kind of love.

So embrace the dependency. Lean into the bureaucracy. Fill out the forms. Pay the fees. And when the government says, “We’re doing this for your own good,” smile, nod, and say: “I know. I know you are.”

Because that, dear citizen, is what a healthy dependent relationship looks like.

This guide is available in print, digital, and mandatory formats. For questions — actually, no. No questions. See Chapter 3.