Let’s talk about love.

Not the fleeting, unreliable love of another human being — a creature who might forget your birthday, leave the toilet seat up, or decide one day that they “need space.” No, we’re talking about the deep, unwavering, legally-binding love of an institution that has known you since the day you were issued a Social Security number and will continue to know you long after you’ve filed your last return.

We’re talking about the government.

Your government loves you. It has always loved you. And unlike every romantic partner, friend, or family member you’ve ever had, it will never, ever leave. Not because it doesn’t want to. But because it can’t. It’s in the Constitution. And honestly, that’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever written.

It Never Leaves (Legally, It Can’t)

Human relationships are fragile. A spouse can file for divorce. A friend can ghost you. A parent can move to Florida and “forget” to update their phone number. But the government? The government is forever.

“I’ve been through three marriages,” said Gerald Forthright, 61, of Bethesda, Maryland. “Each one ended. But you know what didn’t end? My relationship with the federal government. Through every divorce, every heartbreak, every lonely night, the IRS was there. Filing requirements don’t care about your feelings, and honestly, that kind of consistency is what I need.”

Think about it. The only way to “break up” with the government is through a constitutional amendment, which requires a two-thirds vote in both houses of Congress and ratification by three-fourths of the states. That’s not a breakup. That’s a commitment level that would make even the most devoted partner weep with inadequacy.

Your boyfriend says he’ll “always be there for you”? Adorable. The government has a $6.2 trillion annual budget dedicated to being there for you. Show me a Tinder match who can compete with that.

It Always Texts (14 Reminders, Minimum)

In a human relationship, you’re lucky to get a “good morning” text. Maybe a “thinking of you” on a good day. But the government? The government is always reaching out.

Tax deadline reminders. Jury duty summons. Selective Service notifications. Vehicle registration renewals. Census participation requests. Permit expiration warnings. Code violation notices. The government sends you more correspondence in a single month than your significant other has sent in the entire relationship.

“My husband texts me maybe once a day,” said Karen Millford, 39, of Sacramento. “The government sent me fourteen pieces of mail last week alone. Fourteen! And each one basically said, ‘We’re thinking about you, and also you owe us money.’ That’s more attention than I’ve gotten from a man in fifteen years.”

And the government doesn’t just text — it follows up. Miss a deadline? You’ll hear about it. Ignore a notice? Here comes another one, in a slightly more assertive font. Still not responding? They’ll send someone to your door. Your partner might sulk if you don’t reply to a text. The government will send a certified letter. That’s dedication.

It Knows Everything About You (Because It Cares)

Human partners are notoriously bad at remembering details. Your anniversary. Your allergies. Whether you said you wanted Italian or Thai. But the government? The government remembers everything.

Your income for the last seven years. Your medical history. Your travel patterns. Your phone records. Your browsing habits. The exact square footage of your home. The make, model, and VIN of every car you’ve ever registered. The government doesn’t just know you — it has a file on you. Multiple files. Cross-referenced files. Files about your files.

“My girlfriend can’t remember my middle name,” lamented Todd Bucksworth, 28, of Omaha. “But when I called the Social Security Administration, they knew my mother’s maiden name, my place of birth, and the last four digits of every bank account I’ve ever opened. I actually teared up. Someone out there really knows me.”

Some people call this surveillance. We call it the deepest form of intimacy. When someone tracks your every movement, monitors your communications, and maintains a permanent record of your financial activity, that’s not Big Brother. That’s Big Boyfriend. And honestly? It’s romantic.

It Provides for You (With Your Own Money, But Still)

In traditional relationships, providing for your partner is considered a sign of love. The government has elevated this concept to an art form by providing for you using money it took from you in the first place — and somehow making you feel grateful about it.

“My tax refund was $2,400 this year,” said Debra Pennington, 44, of Cincinnati. “I cried. The government gave me back $2,400 of my own money, and I felt like I’d won the lottery. My ex-husband never made me feel that way, and he actually did give me things that weren’t originally mine.”

Think about the elegance of this system. The government takes a portion of everything you earn, redistributes it through a vast and labyrinthine bureaucracy, loses a percentage to administrative costs, and then returns a fraction of what remains — and you’re thankful. That’s not just love. That’s a masterclass in relationship dynamics.

Your partner buys you flowers? The government built you a highway. Your partner cooks you dinner? The government subsidized the corn in your dinner and also the dinner itself if you qualify, which requires a 12-page application, but the application is free, which is to say it was funded by your taxes, which is to say you already paid for it. Love works in mysterious ways.

It Makes Rules Because It Cares

When a partner tells you what to do, it’s “controlling.” When the government does it, it’s “legislation,” and it comes with enforcement mechanisms, fines, and occasionally imprisonment. But the intent is the same: they just want what’s best for you.

Can’t buy certain lightbulbs? They’re protecting you from your own terrible wattage choices. Can’t build a shed in your backyard without a permit? They love your property values too much to let you ruin them. Can’t sell lemonade without a license? They care about public health more than you care about your children’s entrepreneurial spirit.

“My mother used to make all my decisions for me,” recalled Brenda Staplewood, 52, of Austin. “Then I grew up, left home, and discovered the government was ready to step right in. It was seamless. Same energy, bigger budget. I didn’t miss a beat.”

The Breakup Process: A Constitutional Amendment

Perhaps the most romantic thing about your relationship with the government is how impossible it is to end.

Want to leave the country? You’ll still owe taxes for ten years. Want to renounce your citizenship? That requires an application, a fee, an interview, and approval from the very institution you’re trying to leave. It’s like asking your partner for permission to break up with them and having them say, “We’ll review your request and get back to you in six to eight months.”

“I once told my congressman I wanted less government in my life,” said Dale Fencepost, 57, of rural Wyoming. “He mailed me a pamphlet about all the government programs available to help me cope with that feeling. I now receive benefits from three of them.”

Compare this to a human relationship. A marriage can be dissolved in as little as six months. A friendship can end with a single unreturned text. But your relationship with the government? That bond is forged in the fires of the Social Security Administration and tempered in the furnaces of the Internal Revenue Service. It is, for all practical purposes, eternal.

A Point-by-Point Comparison

Still not convinced? Let’s compare the government to a typical romantic partner across every major relationship metric:

Remembering important dates: Your partner forgets your anniversary. The government remembers every filing deadline, registration renewal, and compliance milestone you’ve ever had and will penalize you for missing any of them. Advantage: Government.

Financial transparency: Your partner might hide a purchase or two. The government publishes a federal budget of thousands of pages that no one reads. Technically transparent. Advantage: Government.

Commitment level: Your partner might leave. The government requires a supermajority of the entire legislative and state apparatus to even modify the terms of the relationship. Advantage: Government.

Communication: Your partner sends sporadic texts. The government sends certified mail, automated phone calls, email alerts, push notifications, and occasionally a uniformed officer to your front door. Advantage: Government.

Knowing what’s best for you: Your partner might offer a gentle suggestion. The government makes it law. Advantage: Government.

Gift-giving: Your partner buys you a sweater. The government gives you infrastructure, national defense, a postal service, and the privilege of funding all of it. Advantage: Government.

Jealousy: Your partner might get jealous if you spend time with someone else. The government gets jealous if you spend money somewhere it can’t tax. Advantage: Government (more thorough).

The Love You Didn’t Choose (But Can’t Refuse)

At the end of the day, the most honest relationships are the ones you didn’t choose. You didn’t choose your parents. You didn’t choose your siblings. And you most certainly didn’t choose your government — it was chosen for you, by people you’ve never met, some of whom have been dead for over two hundred years. And yet here you are, in a relationship more enduring, more consuming, and more financially significant than any love affair you’ll ever have.

“People spend their whole lives looking for ‘the one,’” mused relationship therapist Dr. Constance Controlwell. “They don’t realize they’ve already found it. It’s the entity that takes their money, reads their emails, tells them what size soda they can drink, and promises that it’s all for their own good. That’s not a government. That’s a soulmate.”

So the next time you feel lonely, remember: you’re not. You never were. You never will be. The government is always there, always watching, always caring, always billing.

And unlike every human being you’ve ever loved, it will never, ever let you go.

For more information on deepening your relationship with the government, visit your local federal building during business hours (Monday through Friday, 9 AM to 4 PM, closed for lunch 11:30 to 1:30, closed alternating Wednesdays, and also closed today for a reason that will not be disclosed). Bring two forms of ID, proof of residency, and an open heart.