Self-Care Tips From The Bureau Of Approved Wellness

The Bureau of Approved Wellness (BAW) has released its first-ever Federal Self-Care Compliance Guide, a 340-page document that redefines self-care for the modern American citizen. The central thesis, printed in bold on the cover beneath a stock photo of a woman meditating next to a filing cabinet, is this: “The ‘self’ in self-care should really be ‘government.’”

“For too long, citizens have been caring for themselves — by themselves,” said BAW Director Angela Pruitt at the guide’s launch, held at a wellness retreat that was actually just a renovated IRS processing center with lavender diffusers. “This is inefficient. It’s unregulated. And frankly, most of you are doing it wrong. You’re taking bubble baths when you should be filing forms. You’re lighting candles when you should be reading compliance manuals. You’re practicing yoga when you should be practicing obedience.”

“We’re here to fix that,” she added, pressing play on a government-issued white noise machine that emitted a sound remarkably similar to a fax machine.

The guide contains 47 approved self-care practices, but we’ve selected the most essential ones for this overview. Here are the government’s official tips for taking care of yourself — by letting the government take care of you.

Tip #1: Replace Meditation With Form Completion

Traditional meditation asks you to clear your mind, focus on your breathing, and exist in the present moment. The BAW considers this “dangerously unstructured.”

“An empty mind is an ungoverned mind,” the guide states. “Instead of sitting in silence, fill your mind with something productive: government paperwork.”

The BAW’s recommended alternative is Compliance Meditation, a practice in which citizens sit in a quiet room and fill out government forms for 20 to 30 minutes, focusing on the gentle rhythm of pen on paper, the soothing repetition of entering their Social Security number for the fourteenth time, and the deep inner peace that comes from knowing that Box 7a has been completed correctly.

“I used to meditate every morning — ten minutes of silence, deep breathing, centered awareness,” said former meditator turned compliance practitioner Douglas Hewitt, 48, of Annapolis, Maryland. “Now I fill out Form W-4 adjustments instead. Same feeling of emptiness, but now I have paperwork to show for it. My accountant says I’ve never been more centered.”

The guide also recommends Mindful Form Filing, in which citizens pay close attention to each stroke of the pen, each checkbox, each dropdown menu. “Notice the weight of the pen in your hand,” the guide instructs. “Notice the crispness of the government-issued paper. Notice how your signature has become less distinctive over the years, as if your identity is slowly merging with the forms themselves. This is enlightenment.”

Tip #2: Exercise By Running To The Post Office Before It Closes

The BAW has determined that traditional exercise — gym memberships, jogging, home workouts — is “excessively self-directed” and recommends replacing it with Government-Integrated Fitness (GIF), a program in which all physical activity is tied to government errands.

Approved exercises include:

The Post Office Sprint: The average post office closes at 5:00 PM. The average citizen realizes they need to mail something at 4:47 PM. The resulting 13-minute dash — including running, door-holding for elderly patrons, and the frantic search for correct postage — provides a full cardiovascular workout that the BAW estimates burns 340 calories and 100% of your patience.
The Permit Pickup Power Walk: Walking briskly to your local government office to pick up an approved permit, only to discover that the permit is at a different office across town. Walk there. It’s closed. Walk back. Repeat until fit or broken.
The Tax Document Deadlift: Carrying a full year’s worth of financial records from your filing cabinet to your kitchen table for tax preparation. The BAW estimates the average citizen’s tax documents weigh 14.6 pounds. “That’s basically a kettlebell,” the guide notes. “A kettlebell made of receipts and existential dread.”
The Waiting Room Squat: For citizens who find themselves standing in government waiting rooms when all chairs are occupied. Hold a wall squat position for the duration of your wait, which averages 47 minutes. The BAW calls this “the most efficient workout in America” because you’re simultaneously building quad strength and processing your DMV renewal.

“I lost fifteen pounds on the Government-Integrated Fitness program,” said participant Sharon Mackey, 55. “Mostly from stress, but also from all the walking between government offices. My Fitbit thinks I’m training for a marathon. I’m actually just trying to get my business license renewed.”

Tip #3: Treat Yourself To A Spa Day At The DMV

The guide’s most creative recommendation is the DMV Wellness Experience, which reframes the Department of Motor Vehicles visit as a luxurious day of relaxation and self-care.

“Think about it,” the guide reasons. “The DMV has everything a spa has. Extended wait times? That’s forced relaxation. Fluorescent lighting? That’s a light therapy session. Uncomfortable plastic chairs? That’s posture correction. A number being called that isn’t yours? That’s a lesson in patience. The DMV isn’t a bureaucratic nightmare. It’s an involuntary wellness retreat.”

The BAW has developed a full DMV Spa Day itinerary:

9:00 AM: Arrive. Take a number. Take a deep breath. Take a seat.
9:15 AM: Begin the “Waiting Meditation.” Close your eyes. Listen to the hum of the fluorescent lights. Feel the energy of 47 other citizens who are also waiting. You are all connected — not by choice, but by the government’s appointment system, which is basically the same thing.
10:30 AM: Your number still hasn’t been called. This is the “Patience Workshop” portion of the spa day. Lean into it. Let go of the illusion that you control your own time. You don’t. You never did. The DMV just makes it visible.
11:45 AM: Your number is called. Approach the counter. This is the “Human Connection” portion — a brief, transactional interaction with a government employee who will process your request with the warm efficiency of a vending machine that’s slightly broken.
12:00 PM: You’re told you have the wrong form. Return to the waiting area. This is the “Resilience Building” module. True self-care means being denied what you need and thanking the system for the experience.
1:30 PM: Success. Your license is renewed. You emerge into the sunlight, blinking, disoriented, three hours older, but — the BAW insists — spiritually refreshed.

“I used to spend $200 on a spa day,” said DMV convert Pamela Ortiz, 39. “Now I go to the DMV for free and get the same results: exhaustion, mild dehydration, and a strange sense of having survived something. Plus, I leave with a new ID photo where I look like I’ve been through a war, which is basically the same as a post-facial glow.”

Tip #4: Practice Deep Breathing While Reading Tax Code

The BAW recommends combining breath work with educational content — specifically, the Internal Revenue Code, which at 2,652 pages offers “virtually unlimited material for breathing exercises.”

The technique is simple:

Open the IRC to any page.
Inhale deeply as you read a sentence.
Exhale slowly as you realize you don’t understand it.
Repeat.

“Most sentences in the tax code are between 75 and 200 words long,” the guide notes. “This means each inhale must be sustained for approximately 30 to 45 seconds, which builds lung capacity and the ability to hold your breath — a skill you’ll need when you see your tax bill.”

The BAW has also created a companion audio series, Tax Code ASMR, in which a soothing voice reads sections of the IRC over ambient sounds of a crackling fire and distant government shredders. The series has become unexpectedly popular, with over 2 million downloads. Most listeners fall asleep within minutes, which the BAW considers a feature, not a bug.

“I listen to Tax Code ASMR every night,” said subscriber Kevin Bao, 31. “Section 401(k) puts me right out. I don’t understand any of it, but neither does anyone else, so it’s actually very comforting. It’s like a lullaby sung in a language no one speaks.”

Tip #5: Journal Your Gratitude For Government Services

The guide’s most emotionally demanding recommendation is the Federal Gratitude Practice, in which citizens maintain a daily journal of things they’re grateful to the government for.

“Gratitude is the foundation of wellness,” the guide states. “And the foundation of gratitude is recognizing that everything good in your life was either provided by, regulated by, or permitted by the government. That glass of water? Government-regulated. That road you drove on? Government-built. That feeling of existential entrapment? Government-created. You’re welcome.”

Sample gratitude journal entries (provided by the BAW):

Monday: I am grateful for stop signs. Without the government, I would drive through intersections at full speed, presumably while screaming. Thank you, government, for assuming I am feral.
Tuesday: I am grateful for the tax code. Without its 2,652 pages of incomprehensible instructions, I might understand where my money goes, which would only upset me. Ignorance is the ultimate self-care.
Wednesday: I am grateful for the permit system. Today I waited four hours for permission to install a ceiling fan. The wait gave me time to reflect on what truly matters: not ceiling fans, but the process of requesting ceiling fans. The journey is the destination.
Thursday: I am grateful for government-issued alerts. My phone buzzed fourteen times today with emergency notifications, weather warnings, and AMBER alerts from three states away. Each buzz reminded me that the government is always thinking of me, even at 3 AM, especially at 3 AM.
Friday: I am grateful I am not in charge. Imagine if I had to make all my own decisions. I’d have to choose my own lightbulbs, my own insurance, my own retirement plan. I’d have to think. The government thinks for me so I don’t have to. That’s not oppression. That’s outsourcing.

“Before the gratitude journal, I was angry all the time,” said practitioner Debra Knowles, 52. “Now I’m angry but also grateful, which cancels out to a kind of numb acceptance that the BAW calls ‘wellness equilibrium.’ I’ve never felt more balanced. Or more watched.”

Tip #6: Practice Self-Compassion By Lowering Your Expectations

The guide’s final major section addresses Expectation Management, which the BAW defines as “the art of wanting less so the government doesn’t have to provide more.”

Key practices include:

Affirmations: Stand in front of a mirror each morning and say, “I deserve exactly what the government says I deserve. No more. No less. Probably less.”
Visualization: Close your eyes and visualize a world where everything works perfectly: permits are processed instantly, government offices are open on weekends, and the IRS answers the phone on the first ring. Now open your eyes. That world doesn’t exist. Feel the gap between expectation and reality. That gap is where self-care lives.
Boundaries: Set healthy boundaries with yourself. Specifically, set the boundary of not expecting the government to respect your boundaries.

“The most radical act of self-care is accepting that you are not in charge,” Director Pruitt said in her closing remarks. “You are not your own healer. You are not your own guru. You are not your own anything. You are a citizen. And the best thing a citizen can do for their wellness is stop trying to take care of themselves and let the government do it.”

She paused, adjusted the lavender diffuser that was really just a repurposed document humidifier, and added:

“After all, we’ve been taking care of you for 247 years. And look how well you’re doing.”

She gestured broadly at the audience — a room full of citizens who had waited in line for three hours to attend a mandatory wellness seminar on a Saturday morning.

No one clapped. But no one left, either.

The BAW counted this as a success.

The Federal Self-Care Compliance Guide is available at approvedwellness.gov (340 pages, printed on government-recycled paper that smells faintly of toner). Citizens who wish to opt out of government-managed self-care may submit Form OPT-OUT-SELF, which is currently “under review” and has been “under review” since 2019. In the meantime, the BAW recommends deep breathing. And filing forms. Preferably at the same time.