After 247 years, the United States government has achieved what no couple on earth has ever managed: an unbroken, inescapable commitment with 330 million people who never signed up for the relationship in the first place. No divorce. No separation. Not even a trial “break” where you move out for a few months and pretend to find yourself.

So what’s the secret?

According to a newly declassified document from the Bureau of Perpetual Union, the answer is simple, timeless, and deeply romantic: never, ever let the other person make a single decision on their own.

“Control is love,” said Bureau Director Cynthia Hartwell during a candlelit press conference held in a windowless basement of the Department of Homeland Affection. “And if it doesn’t feel like love yet, that just means we haven’t achieved enough control.”

The Honeymoon Phase (1776-1800): Flirting With Freedom

Like all great romances, America’s relationship with its government started with butterflies, excitement, and a dangerous amount of optimism.

In the early years, the government was charming. Aloof, even. It showed up occasionally to deliver mail, settle disputes between states, and fight the odd war, but mostly it left citizens alone to pursue life, liberty, and happiness — three things the government would later regulate individually.

“The early republic was basically a long-distance relationship,” explained Dr. Patricia Overreach, Professor of Government Intimacy Studies at Georgetown. “The government sent a letter every now and then. Maybe collected a small tariff. But it wasn’t reading your diary. It wasn’t going through your things. It was giving you space. And as we all know, giving someone space is just the first step toward taking it away.”

The Constitution served as the relationship’s prenuptial agreement — a document designed to limit the government’s involvement in citizens’ lives. The Bill of Rights was essentially a restraining order. “Don’t touch my religion. Don’t touch my speech. Don’t touch my guns. Don’t quarter soldiers in my house.” The founding generation, it seems, had trust issues.

But the government was patient. It could wait. It had all the time in the world. Literally — it would eventually regulate time zones, too.

The Slow Escalation (1800-1930): “I Just Worry About You”

Every controlling relationship has a turning point — the moment the other party starts making decisions “for your own good.” For America, this happened gradually, like a frog in a pot of slowly warming regulatory water.

Timeline of Relationship Milestones:

• 1803: The government buys Louisiana without asking. “I got us more land, babe. You’re welcome.”
• 1813: The government establishes the first income tax to fund the War of 1812. “It’s temporary, I promise.” (It was not temporary.)
• 1862: The government creates the Department of Agriculture. “I just want to make sure you’re eating right.”
• 1870: The government establishes the Department of Justice. “It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s that I don’t trust you.”
• 1887: The Interstate Commerce Commission is born. “I’m not controlling your business. I’m just… overseeing it. There’s a difference.”
• 1906: The Pure Food and Drug Act. “You literally cannot be trusted to feed yourself without poisoning your own body.”
• 1913: The Federal Reserve is created, and income tax becomes permanent. “Remember when I said the tax was temporary? That was more of a goal than a promise.”
• 1920: Prohibition. The government literally takes away your drink. “You have a problem. I’m doing this because I love you.”

By the early 20th century, the government had evolved from a distant pen pal into a live-in partner who reorganized your kitchen, monitored your diet, and occasionally emptied your liquor cabinet while you were at work.

“The progressive era was when the government stopped saying ‘I think you can handle this’ and started saying ‘I think I can handle this better,’” said Dr. Overreach. “Classic codependency. Beautiful, really.”

The Commitment Phase (1930-1970): “We’re In This Together (Whether You Like It Or Not)”

The Great Depression was the relationship equivalent of a crisis that brings a couple closer together — except in this case, “closer together” meant the government moved into every room of the house, including the bathroom.

Franklin Roosevelt’s New Deal was less of a policy platform and more of a marriage proposal: Will you let me take care of you forever? And Americans, starving and desperate, said yes. Or at least didn’t say no loudly enough.

• 1933: The government creates the Tennessee Valley Authority and starts building dams. “I’m remodeling. Don’t worry about it.”
• 1935: Social Security is established. “I’m putting money away for your retirement. No, you can’t see it. No, you can’t manage it yourself. Just trust me.”
• 1942: The government begins withholding income tax directly from paychecks. “It’s easier this way. You won’t even notice it’s gone.” (You noticed.)
• 1953: The Department of Health, Education, and Welfare is created. “I’m in charge of your health, your education, and your welfare now. What else is there? Oh, right — everything else. We’ll get to that.”
• 1965: Medicare and Medicaid. “You’re getting older, and I’ve decided you can’t take care of yourself medically. No, I didn’t ask. I assessed.”

By the mid-20th century, the government had inserted itself into healthcare, retirement, education, housing, agriculture, transportation, commerce, labor relations, and broadcasting. Citizens who remembered the old days — when you could build a shed without filing paperwork — were told they were being “nostalgic” and “resistant to growth in the relationship.”

“Every couple goes through a phase where one partner tries to control the other’s finances,” noted Dr. Overreach. “The government just did it with 200 million people simultaneously. Efficiency.”

The Surveillance Era (1970-2020): “I Read Your Emails Because I Care”

The modern era of government-citizen relations can be summarized in one sentence: “I’m not spying on you; I’m paying attention to you, which is what you always said you wanted.”

• 1970: The Environmental Protection Agency is created. “I’m in charge of the air you breathe now. You’re welcome.”
• 1973: The DEA is established. “I’m also in charge of what you put in your body. Again, you’re welcome.”
• 2001: The PATRIOT Act. “I need to read your emails, listen to your phone calls, and track your movements. It’s not that I don’t trust you — it’s that there are other people I don’t trust, and the only way to find them is to monitor everyone, including you, always.”
• 2003: The TSA begins enhanced screening. “I need to touch you before you fly. It’s a security thing. Also, take off your shoes. Don’t ask why.”
• 2010: The Affordable Care Act. “You’re going to buy health insurance, or I’m going to fine you. This is love. This is what love looks like.”
• 2013: Edward Snowden reveals mass surveillance. Citizens: “You’ve been reading ALL our emails?” Government: “Only because we care about ALL of you.”
• 2020: Lockdowns. “Stay inside. Close your business. Don’t visit your family. Don’t go to church. It’s for your health. I know what’s best. I always know what’s best.”

The surveillance era marked the point in the relationship where the government stopped pretending it wasn’t going through your phone. It was going through your phone. It was also going through your laptop, your browser history, your financial records, your medical records, your social media, and your garbage.

“When your partner reads your emails, people call it toxic,” said relationship therapist and former government contractor Dr. Neil Stanton. “When the government does it, people call it ‘national security.’ Same behavior, different branding. Honestly, the government has better PR than any toxic ex I’ve ever counseled.”

The Current Era (2020-Present): “Why Would You Want To Leave?”

Today, the government’s relationship with its citizens has reached what experts call “Total Commitment” — a phase characterized by complete emotional, financial, and logistical enmeshment from which neither party can realistically disengage.

The government now regulates what you eat, what you drive, what you build, where you live, how you educate your children, what you can say online, what medical procedures you receive, what lightbulbs you use, how much water your toilet flushes, and — in certain municipalities — whether your lawn is the correct height.

The government’s relationship advice column, published weekly by the Bureau of Perpetual Union, recently offered these tips for citizens struggling with the arrangement:

1. Stop comparing your relationship to other countries. Yes, some countries have less government involvement. They also have fewer regulations, which means fewer protections, which means the government doesn’t love them as much as yours loves you.

2. Accept that the government knows best. You think you want freedom. What you actually want is someone to handle things so you don’t have to think about them. The government is doing you a favor.

3. Express gratitude daily. Try keeping a journal. Write down three things the government did for you today. If you can’t think of three, you’re not paying attention. Or not paying enough taxes. Either way, there’s a form for that.

4. Don’t listen to your single friends. Some people advocate for “limited government.” These people are the equivalent of your single friend who says “you should leave him” even though she’s been alone for six years and her cat just ran away. The government is committed to you. That’s more than Chad from CrossFit ever offered.

5. Remember: leaving is not an option. This is the most important tip. You cannot leave the government. You can move to another state, but the government is already there. You can move to another country, but the IRS will follow you. You can go off the grid, but the grid has been expanded to include “off the grid.” There is no “off.” There is only grid.

“The secret to our longevity is simple,” Director Hartwell said as the press conference concluded and aides began collecting journalists’ phones for routine screening. “We never give up on our citizens. We never stop caring. We never stop watching. And most importantly, we never, ever let them walk away. That’s not control. That’s commitment. And if you think there’s a difference, well…”

She smiled.

“…we have a re-education program for that.”

A Love Story For The Ages

At 247 years and counting, America’s relationship with its government is the longest-running institutional romance in modern history. It has survived wars, depressions, scandals, a civil war, two impeachments, and the time the government accidentally shut itself down for 35 days in 2018-2019 because it couldn’t agree on a budget, which is the national equivalent of a couple not speaking because they can’t agree on who maxed out the credit card.

But through it all, the government has remained. Steadfast. Unyielding. Expanding.

Some call it tyranny. Some call it overreach. The Bureau of Perpetual Union calls it what it is: a love that won’t let go, no matter how hard you pull.

And honestly? That’s the most committed relationship most of us will ever be in.

Whether we like it or not.