The following is a transcript of a couples therapy session between a citizen, identified as “Mark,” and the Department of Motor Vehicles, represented by Regional Office Manager Dolores Ticketnumber. The session was mediated by licensed Government-Citizen Relationship Therapist Dr. Helen Neutral. It has been lightly edited for clarity and heavily edited for the parts where Mark cried.

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Dr. Neutral: Thank you both for being here today. Mark, I know this wasn’t easy for you.

Mark: It wasn’t. I’ve been putting this off for three years. Well, technically, the DMV put it off. I tried to schedule this appointment six times. They lost the request four times, the fifth time the system was down, and the sixth time they told me I needed a different form.

Dr. Neutral: DMV, would you like to respond?

DMV (Dolores Ticketnumber): I’m going to need Mark to take a number.

Dr. Neutral: We’re… in a therapy session. There’s no number system here.

DMV: There’s always a number system. I have the tickets right here.

[The DMV produces a roll of paper tickets from her handbag. She tears one off and hands it to Mark. It reads “G-347.”]

DMV: We’re currently serving G-12.

Dr. Neutral: Let’s… set that aside for now. Mark, why don’t you start by telling the DMV how you feel.

Mark’s Opening Statement

Mark: Okay. [Deep breath.] DMV, I feel… unheard. Unseen. Like I’m just a number to you.

DMV: You are a number to me. G-347. I just gave it to you.

Mark: That’s exactly what I mean! Every time I come to you, I wait. I wait for hours. My record is four hours and thirty-seven minutes, and that was just to ask a question. Not to get anything done — just to ask a question. And when I finally got to the counter, the person told me I was in the wrong line.

Dr. Neutral: That sounds very frustrating.

Mark: And then — then — I got in the right line, waited another hour, got to the counter, and they told me I didn’t have the right documents. I had my license, my registration, my proof of insurance, my birth certificate, a utility bill, two forms of government-issued ID, and a note from my mother. And they said I was missing Form MV-44, which is apparently a thing that exists and that no one told me about until that exact moment.

DMV: Form MV-44 is clearly listed on our website.

Mark: Your website looks like it was designed in 1997 and hasn’t been updated since!

DMV: It was designed in 1997. It was updated in 2003. We added a JPEG of an eagle.

Dr. Neutral: DMV, how does it make you feel when Mark expresses this frustration?

DMV: I’m going to need him to fill out a Form EF-1: “Expression of Feelings, Citizen-Initiated.” I have copies in my bag.

The Trust Issues

Dr. Neutral: Let’s talk about trust. Mark, do you trust the DMV?

Mark: No. Absolutely not. The DMV lost my registration renewal twice. Twice. I mailed it in — certified mail, return receipt — and they said they never got it. Both times. I have the receipts. I have the tracking numbers. I have photographic evidence of myself putting the envelope in the mailbox. They still said they never got it.

DMV: Our records indicate we did not receive it.

Mark: Your records are wrong.

DMV: Our records are never wrong. If our records say we didn’t receive it, we didn’t receive it. Your tracking numbers are your problem. Our records are the truth.

Mark: You see? You see what I deal with?

Dr. Neutral: DMV, trust is built through reliability and accountability. When you lose Mark’s paperwork —

DMV: Allegedly lose.

Dr. Neutral: When paperwork goes missing, how do you think that affects the relationship?

DMV: I think Mark should have made copies. We recommend keeping copies of all documents submitted to us, because we cannot guarantee the preservation of any document submitted to us.

Mark: So you’re admitting you might lose them?

DMV: I’m admitting nothing. I’m recommending preparedness. That’s love, Mark.

The Hold Music Incident

Dr. Neutral: Mark, you mentioned on your intake form that there was a specific incident that prompted you to seek therapy. Can you tell us about it?

Mark: [Long pause.] I called the DMV.

Dr. Neutral: Go on.

Mark: I called the DMV to check on the status of my title transfer. I was put on hold. The hold music was — and I’ll never forget this — it was a 30-second loop of a synthesizer playing “Greensleeves.” Over and over. For two hours and fourteen minutes.

DMV: “Greensleeves” is a classic.

Mark: After two hours, a person picked up. I started to explain my situation. Halfway through my sentence, they put me on hold again. Different music this time. It was a MIDI version of “The Girl from Ipanema.” For another forty-five minutes. Then the line disconnected.

Dr. Neutral: And how did that make you feel?

Mark: Like I don’t matter. Like my time doesn’t matter. Like I could disappear and the DMV wouldn’t notice or care.

DMV: We would notice. Your registration would lapse, and we’d send a fine.

Dr. Neutral: DMV, can you see how that response might not be comforting?

DMV: I can see that. I’d like to note that I see it, and I’d like Mark to acknowledge that I see it by filling out Form AK-1: “Acknowledgment of Institutional Acknowledgment.”

The Lunch Break

Dr. Neutral: I think we’re making real progress here. Let’s dig deeper into —

DMV: I’m going to need to stop you there. It’s 11:30.

Dr. Neutral: Yes?

DMV: Lunch break. 11:30 to 1:00.

Dr. Neutral: We’re in the middle of a therapy session.

DMV: And we’re at the beginning of a lunch break. I don’t make the rules. Well, I do make the rules. And the rule is: lunch at 11:30.

Mark: This. This is what I’m talking about.

DMV: I’ll be back at 1:00. Please do not touch anything on my side of the couch. The cushion has been arranged to my specifications, and any alteration will require a re-calibration form.

[The DMV exits. She returns one hour and thirty-five minutes later. It is now 1:05 PM.]

DMV: I’m back.

Mark: You said 1:00.

DMV: The posted time is an estimate, not a guarantee. This is stated clearly in our Terms of Service, which is posted in our lobby on a sign that faces the wall.

The Breakthrough (Almost)

Dr. Neutral: Welcome back. Before the break, we were discussing Mark’s feeling that his time isn’t valued. DMV, I’d like you to try something. I’d like you to look at Mark and tell him one thing you appreciate about him.

DMV: [Long pause. Stares at Mark.]

Mark: [Hopeful.]

DMV: You have a valid form of photo identification.

Mark: That’s… that’s it?

DMV: A valid, unexpired, government-issued photo identification. Do you know how many people come to me without one? You came prepared, Mark. In my world, that’s the highest compliment.

Dr. Neutral: Mark, how does that feel?

Mark: [Tearing up.] Honestly? It’s the nicest thing the DMV has ever said to me.

Dr. Neutral: DMV, Mark is emotional right now. This is a vulnerable moment. Can you meet him in that vulnerability?

DMV: I can issue him a tissue receipt.

Dr. Neutral: A what?

DMV: A tissue receipt. Form TR-1. It acknowledges that a tissue was used during an official interaction and that the citizen is responsible for its disposal. We’re a zero-waste office.

Dr. Neutral: Mark, are you —

Mark: I’ll take the tissue receipt. At this point, I’ll take anything.

The Paperwork

Dr. Neutral: I’d like to try an exercise. I want each of you to write down one thing you need from this relationship going forward. Just one thing.

Mark: I need the DMV to respect my time and not lose my documents.

DMV: That’s two things. Pick one.

Mark: [Sighs.] Don’t lose my documents.

DMV: Noted. I’ll need you to submit that request in writing. I have a Form CR-9: “Citizen Request for Institutional Behavioral Modification.” It’s eleven pages. You’ll need it notarized.

Mark: You need a notarized form for me to ask you to not lose my forms?

DMV: The irony is not lost on us. It’s actually noted on page seven of the form, in a subsection titled “Irony Acknowledgment.”

Dr. Neutral: And DMV, what do you need from Mark?

DMV: I need Mark to come to me with all required documents, in the correct order, with the correct forms, during business hours, which are Monday through Friday, 8 AM to 4 PM, except Tuesdays, when we close at 3, and the first Thursday of every month, when we’re closed entirely for what I can only describe as “institutional reasons.”

Mark: What happens the first Thursday?

DMV: [Stares.]

Mark: Never mind.

The Closing

Dr. Neutral: We’re almost out of time. I want to thank you both for being here. I think we made real progress today. Before we wrap up, is there anything either of you would like to say to the other?

Mark: DMV… I know you’re not perfect. I know you’re overwhelmed. I know you serve millions of people, and I’m just one of them. But I need you to know that when I come to you, it’s because I have to. Not because I want to. And all I ask — all I’ve ever asked — is that you treat me like a person, not a ticket number.

[Silence.]

DMV: That was very moving, Mark.

Mark: Thank you.

DMV: I’m going to need you to fill out a Form RC-12 to continue this session.

Mark: What’s a Form RC-12?

DMV: “Request for Continued Emotional Engagement, Citizen-Initiated, Sub-Category: Therapy.” It’s fourteen pages. You’ll need two forms of ID and a passport-sized photo with no shadows.

Mark: I don’t have a —

DMV: Then I’m afraid we’ll need to reschedule. I have an opening in March. Of next year.

Dr. Neutral: [To camera.] This is why I went into private practice.

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Dr. Neutral’s post-session notes, filed under Form TN-6 (“Therapist Notes, Government-Adjacent Sessions”), read as follows:

Patient Mark shows signs of improvement but remains trapped in a cycle of hope and bureaucratic disappointment. The DMV shows no signs of change but did, for a brief moment, acknowledge that Mark had valid identification, which represents the most emotional vulnerability I have observed from a government agency in twenty years of practice. I recommend continued sessions, assuming the DMV is available, which it historically is not. Prognosis: the relationship will endure, not because it is healthy, but because Mark needs to drive.

Follow-up sessions have been tentatively scheduled for March 2027, pending form approval, notarization, and the resolution of an unrelated computer outage that the DMV has described as “ongoing since 2019.”